We’re going to start with the premise that watermelon is fundamentally tasty, pretty affordable and readily available.
It’s also damn simple — you just cut it and eat for supreme deliciousness.
Yet, people still can’t get the hang of the fruit. They have to toy with it, meddle with it, experiment, hog and fiddle. And it’s a little aggravating.
For those of you who can’t master the simplicity of the fruit, here are some basic principles to follow.
RULES 1 – 2:
CUT YOUR WATERMELON INTO MANAGEABLE PIECES; DON’T EAT IT LIKE IT WAS CORN.
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RULE 3:
DON’T MOLD YOUR WATERMELON INTO NEW SHAPES.
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RULE 4:
AND PLEASE DON’T THINK OF WATERMELON AS A SODA, CANDY OR CUPCAKE FLAVOR.
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RULE 5:
FEEDING WATERMELON TO YOUR FRIENDS IS NOT SEXY. A WATERMELON SHOULD NOT BE CONFUSED WITH A STRAWBERRY.
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RULE 6:
REMEMBER NOT TO LICK YOUR WATERMELON… OKAY, FINE, LICK IT.
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RULE 7:
TRY NOT TO SIT ON YOUR WATERMELON. THERE’S FURNITURE. AND THEN THERE’S WATERMELON.
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RULE 8:
DO NOT SWIM WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY EATING YOUR WATERMELON. WE URGE YOU TO EAT YOUR WATERMELON ON LAND, THEN WAIT 15 MINUTES BEFORE ENTERING THE WATER. COME ON, CRAMPS, FOLKS!!!
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RULE 9A:
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T SLICE UP YOUR WATERMELON AND WEAR IT AS A HELMET OR A HAT.
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RULE 9B:
IN FACT… DON’T WEAR IT AT ALL! PLEASE TAKE IT OFF NOW.
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RULE 10:
WE HAVE FOUND THAT BY BEING COOL TO YOUR WATERMELON, YOUR WATERMELON WILL BE COOL TO YOU. SO FOR A SIMPLE, SAFE AND SWEET SUMMER … JUST CUT, EAT, AND REPEAT…
SINCERELY, YOUR FRIENDS AT NEWSWHISTLE
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Lead-In Image Courtesy of Nadya Korobkova/Shutterstock.com
